if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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