____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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