just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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