Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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