you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
