I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
