The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
