this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she pinky promised me she was 18
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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