he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
