Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
