i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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