If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
