She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
