The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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