apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
