remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
