Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
