I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
