Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
