he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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