my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
