i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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