i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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