I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
