the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
