Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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