Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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