i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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