i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
