hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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