maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
