Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
40s are totally the cure
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
