You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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