I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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