So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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