he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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