The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
