so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
