I wish I could punch you in the face.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
