I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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