I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
