if i can run in heels then i can drive
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
