he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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