I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
