She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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