The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
