My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
