did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
