Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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