I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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