I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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