So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
